Meditation and me.

I am beginning the second week of my 200-hour yoga teacher training in Rishikesh, India.

This is where yoga comes from. Our teachers grew up with it, the ancient philosophy the guide for their daily lives. Although they are here to teach us yoga, the asanas (physical poses) are only 5% of what yoga is all about- mind, body, soul.

Our schedule is rigorous. Before every class there is a short meditation (what a great way to get in the zone), and in some classes the focus is meditation so it's a lot longer. Meditation is something I have dabbled into and felt the benefit of. I also pray, and sometimes the two combine. Right now I'm pushing myself to go internal, to get meditation to help me write this post. See it's a very personal thing, and I can feel my heart rate increasing and a lump rise in my throat as the oncoming vulnerability and fear takes over.

I'm not good at this.

I don't know if you can ever be 'good' at meditation.... unless, according to yogic philosophy, you practice for many many years and reach Samadhi- enlightenment or bliss. 

As that's far far away, we are mostly practicing concentration

 (**cough, some might say 'mindfulness' but that's such an overused word it makes me literally cringe. And I mean "literally" as in for real, not in the way "literally" is used instead of "figuratively" and has lost all meaning.)

Concentration is the crawl to meditation's walk. 

"Slowly, slowly, it will come."

There have been meditation classes where I've fallen asleep, where I have wanted to change position, open my eyes and check the time, or see what is making the sound I hear. There have been classes where suddenly my chest has got heavy and tears roll down my cheeks from the small opening of my closed eyes. Times where I have felt so relaxed and like I'm just a mind, not a body, and a time where I felt my soul rise out of me and smile at me for doing something so challenging yet rewarding.

Moving my now 27 year old body through asanas, balances and inversions; I have encountered some movement I was able to do when I was younger I find more difficult now. I never thought that day would come as I have always been really active with sport, the gym, dance and yoga since I was 18.... Granted, there are some things my body can do now that it couldn't back then, but it still makes me sad to know that there may one day be a point where it's too hard/too old/ too dangerous (like during pregnancy.) However, I am not as scared of this as I thought I would be because I know my meditation muscles are going to be able to grow and serve me when my physical ones might not. 

I'm actually excited to see how far the mind can go, and for the first time, I feel truely compassionate toward myself and not bothered if I don't 'get it right.' If I fall asleep during a meditation or pranayama class and miss the point then it must mean I'm tired. If my mind can't focus on one thing and I start planning what I am going to wear for an event 3 months away, then oh well. At least I'll have that out of the way to leave my mind clearer for meditating.... right? 

I hope you can find something to take and ruminate over from this massive thing I have tried to briefly articulate to you. Prayer, meditation (cringe- mindfulness) and concentration cost nothing, but give us so much. Hugs, smiles and complements are the same also. Give them to yourself or give them away and feel the joy it can bring into your day.

Jj