Meditation and me.

I am beginning the second week of my 200-hour yoga teacher training in Rishikesh, India.

This is where yoga comes from. Our teachers grew up with it, the ancient philosophy the guide for their daily lives. Although they are here to teach us yoga, the asanas (physical poses) are only 5% of what yoga is all about- mind, body, soul.

Our schedule is rigorous. Before every class there is a short meditation (what a great way to get in the zone), and in some classes the focus is meditation so it's a lot longer. Meditation is something I have dabbled into and felt the benefit of. I also pray, and sometimes the two combine. Right now I'm pushing myself to go internal, to get meditation to help me write this post. See it's a very personal thing, and I can feel my heart rate increasing and a lump rise in my throat as the oncoming vulnerability and fear takes over.

I'm not good at this.

I don't know if you can ever be 'good' at meditation.... unless, according to yogic philosophy, you practice for many many years and reach Samadhi- enlightenment or bliss. 

As that's far far away, we are mostly practicing concentration

 (**cough, some might say 'mindfulness' but that's such an overused word it makes me literally cringe. And I mean "literally" as in for real, not in the way "literally" is used instead of "figuratively" and has lost all meaning.)

Concentration is the crawl to meditation's walk. 

"Slowly, slowly, it will come."

There have been meditation classes where I've fallen asleep, where I have wanted to change position, open my eyes and check the time, or see what is making the sound I hear. There have been classes where suddenly my chest has got heavy and tears roll down my cheeks from the small opening of my closed eyes. Times where I have felt so relaxed and like I'm just a mind, not a body, and a time where I felt my soul rise out of me and smile at me for doing something so challenging yet rewarding.

Moving my now 27 year old body through asanas, balances and inversions; I have encountered some movement I was able to do when I was younger I find more difficult now. I never thought that day would come as I have always been really active with sport, the gym, dance and yoga since I was 18.... Granted, there are some things my body can do now that it couldn't back then, but it still makes me sad to know that there may one day be a point where it's too hard/too old/ too dangerous (like during pregnancy.) However, I am not as scared of this as I thought I would be because I know my meditation muscles are going to be able to grow and serve me when my physical ones might not. 

I'm actually excited to see how far the mind can go, and for the first time, I feel truely compassionate toward myself and not bothered if I don't 'get it right.' If I fall asleep during a meditation or pranayama class and miss the point then it must mean I'm tired. If my mind can't focus on one thing and I start planning what I am going to wear for an event 3 months away, then oh well. At least I'll have that out of the way to leave my mind clearer for meditating.... right? 

I hope you can find something to take and ruminate over from this massive thing I have tried to briefly articulate to you. Prayer, meditation (cringe- mindfulness) and concentration cost nothing, but give us so much. Hugs, smiles and complements are the same also. Give them to yourself or give them away and feel the joy it can bring into your day.

Jj

The C word

The  C word.......
at this time of the year, for many of us, the C word that is more frequently on our lips is CHRISTMAS. (I can't believe it either, one part of me still feels like it's 2013)

It's a joyous time of year, with indulgences and spending and sharing and laughing.

But that's not the C word I'm meaning.

I'm not talking about that other C word that is very rude and rhymes with "blunt" either.

I'm talking about CANCER.

As I'm writing, I'm shifting awkwardly in my chair, wondering how to approach this subject. You might be shifting in your chair too, as the C word might strike pretty close to home for you.

Like depression, motivation, compassion and self love, this is one of those touchy subjects that I could waffle on about when really, I feel like a bit of a fraud as I haven't lived them all to the extent as you or someone you may know who has mattered to you has. 

My dad, the strong, brave father of 4 was diagnosed with a tumor in his sacrum 10 years ago. Initially we thought the pain in his lower back was a sports injury- he was playing soccer, golf, cricket and running. When we found out what it was, there were a million "what ifs"

How much time? What will change? What can we do?

Through radiation, chemotherapy, two stem cell transplants and a truck load of prayer, Dad has lived the most fulfilled, loving and daring life, proving that when you learn that your life might be cut short, you can either sit back and reflect on your memories or you can go shop at Kathmandu, learn to use and ipad, and travel around the world to make new memories.

In his case: climbing Mt Fuji, going to Wimbledon, learning the piano, walking the Camino trail (100km) in Spain, taking a train across Australia, opening up and reaching out to family, and working full time (to name a few)

In terms of how Cancer has affected me- I have learned that you don't have time to hold personal grievances (especially between family members)
Grudges get you nowhere. 
Sing all you can, spend your money on memories not things. I am closer with my siblings considering we live so far away from each other, and small talk is nice, but figuring out how you can positively help the person you are talking to is so much better- whether it's by making them laugh, distracting them with a story, being interested in them or questioning them. 

I'm going to keep it simple.

Cancer sucks. It affects people who don't "deserve" it (Dad doesn't drink, smoke and is fit.)
There are people at your work, school, cafe and church who are living with it.
If you don't donate any money, donate your smile. Donate your ears, your cooking skills, your hugs.
Cherish your time, your body and your loved ones for all those who can't.

So when the stress, frivolity and materialism of Christmas starts to get under your skin, let these words put it in perspective.

"For Christmas, some of us want a new bike, a new phone, a new look, but someone living with cancer wants just one thing, to win the battle"

As I sign off this post, I'm going to send out a strong thought/prayer for those in my life affected by the C word. You are welcome to do it with me 

Jj