Showing posts with label bus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bus. Show all posts

Saturday, 26 April 2014

Waiting for a mate......

I am currently sitting on the floor of a fairly fancy South-of-the-Yarra train station waiting for a friend to drop off something of mine I left in their car. They are now 20 min later than they said they would be, so since I'm already dressed like a hermit in my raincoat and runners (yes this is also classified as Hipster attire but in this suburb it's hermit: a fine line, I know) I have decided to act like one too, by sitting on a newspaper and covering myself with it. If I'm lucky, I might be thrown some change, but it would also be very insulting.

I see it's a good people watching opportunity, and gives me a chance to observe those outside the station waiting to rendezvous. There is always hunger, desperation and frustration in their eyes. Some look expectantly from side to side like the Hamburgler approaching a BBQ, or a cat about to sneak up and steal your sausage.....
Others obsessively check their phone like a #hashtaghussy who has just uploaded the latest selfie. Then you have the ones who are slightly swaying from one foot to the other, correcting their hair and clothing; more self conscious than your 16 year old sister at her first real party, (eyeliner and alcopops n all!)


Whenever I wait outside a station or something I feel like I am some sort of secret agent waiting to either scope the place out, or blow the place up. One of the most awkward things about waiting or meeting someone at a specified landmark is when you see them approaching from about 50m away you wave, then have watch them walk toward you. What are you supposed to do?
Wave again? Keep waving? Start talking which would actually be yelling because you are still far away? Blow them a balloon animal and float it over to them to be your welcoming party?
I always feel like I should do a slow motion run like a star-crossed lover, or pretend to trip up, or as I am doing now, just continue to read the newspaper (which is providing me with warmth and also disguising me so that instead of a human I look like a giant paper mache, like the one I did in year five but that was a paper mache whale.....I'm sure the resemblence will be clear.)

I wasn't there, but I imagine that in ye olden days, before we send people a google maps dropped pin to tell them where to meet us, people were a lot more specfic about where, when and how they were going to meet up. If your mate was late, you wait. But your mate was less likely to be late because they would navigate the place you state to collaborate and conversate.

 Instead of txts like "I'm going out tonight, come, txt me when you are here I'll tell you where I am"
People would have communicated with ye olde letters with the brown edges like the ones you also made at school by staining them with tea or coffee and burning them a bit, yeah those ones, and would have looked like this "I shalt be waiting at ye tea rooms at 2 of the clock three Thursdays from henceforth. Please meet me there at the back table to the right of the fire place and we can thusly parambulate around the town until the cock crows five."
No way would those plans be able to be cancelled in a hurry coz by the time you cut down the tree and pummel the bark to make paper to let them know you can't come coz you are washing your hair that day, you might as well go (I reckon this explans some of ye olde hair styles, peeps kept making appointments on hair washing days. That and ye olden days people washed their hair with beer and stuff)

Edward Verrall Lucas said

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.” 
 
Speaking of jolly..here comes my mate now (who has txt me about 3 times updating his location and reasons for being late) so time for me to escape my paper palace, smashe out of the mache, hear the explaination for the delay-tion and keep my assets safe.
 
 
Jj










Friday, 18 April 2014

How to bus

Sometimes, in our lives, when we have to get somewhere, we take a bus. This process can be exhausting, tyre-ing and can drive you mad; not to mention the fuss one must thrust into singing on the bus with lust. 


 Here is a step by step guide to ensuring your bus trip is bus-ting and bus-tling with enough fun to spin your wheels and toot your horn.

Step 1.
Wear fresh underwear. 
You know what they say about getting hit by a bus because you were negligent about your knickers; proper panties are even more important when partaking on a bus trip because accidents start with skids.

Step 2.
Timetable and ticket.
"She's got a ticket to ride, and she don't care."
She's an idiot. She was a day tripper and found herself on the highway to hell because she didn't care. All she needed was someone to say hey Jude, look at the timetable or you'll be on the road to nowhere.
Someone needs to be speaking words of wisdom sort out the details and not just let it be.

Step 3.
Beverages and bladders.
Whilst it may seem cosy and atmospheric to enjoy various beverages on a bus, remember that the bathrooms on these things are about the size of that coffee cup you brought onboard. To avoid leakages, limit your liquids and refuel when necessary.

Step 4.
Entertainment.
Conventionally, one stays occupied with singing, eye spy, spilling your bag of chips and getting motion sickness.
Nowadays, busses are equipped with VCR players, out of tune am radios, and if you have gone deluxe-a crazy person to talk to in the isle across from you. Whilst portable digital devices are entertaining, they cannot compare to Dave the Driver or Bill the Busman's stories. Always wearing a smile, shorts, walk socks, sweat marks and a middle age spread; bus drivers work those crackly microphones better than a British bogan works on their tan. 
 
Step 5.
Arrival and disembarking.
If you have followed steps 1-4, it's time to step off the bus. Ensure you have assembled your things to avoid awkward aisle blockages and have your excuse ready for why you don't want to give the crazy person your Facebook name. As you are released from your multi-seated, multi-wheeled moving prison, take in the sights and sounds as hopefully you have actually travelled somewhere different to where you boarded. And remember-
If you've got to go far; take your car. If it's just a small hike; take your bike.
If you don't want to get stuck; take a truck.
If you are a cool man; take your van.
If you enjoy pain; you'll take the train.
If you live life to the maxi; you'll just take a taxi.
If smart you are not; you'll try take a yacht. 
And if you take the bus; it will be wonderous.

Jj