How to bus

Sometimes, in our lives, when we have to get somewhere, we take a bus. This process can be exhausting, tyre-ing and can drive you mad; not to mention the fuss one must thrust into singing on the bus with lust. 

 Here is a step by step guide to ensuring your bus trip is bus-ting and bus-tling with enough fun to spin your wheels and toot your horn.

Step 1.

Wear fresh underwear. 

You know what they say about getting hit by a bus because you were negligent about your knickers; proper panties are even more important when partaking on a bus trip because accidents start with skids.

Step 2.

Timetable and ticket.

"She's got a ticket to ride, and she don't care."

She's an idiot. She was a day tripper and found herself on the highway to hell because she didn't care. All she needed was someone to say hey Jude, look at the timetable or you'll be on the road to nowhere.

Someone needs to be speaking words of wisdom sort out the details and not just let it be.

Step 3.

Beverages and bladders.

Whilst it may seem cosy and atmospheric to enjoy various beverages on a bus, remember that the bathrooms on these things are about the size of that coffee cup you brought onboard. To avoid leakages, limit your liquids and refuel when necessary.

Step 4.

Entertainment.

Conventionally, one stays occupied with singing, eye spy, spilling your bag of chips and getting motion sickness.

Nowadays, busses are equipped with VCR players, out of tune am radios, and if you have gone deluxe-a crazy person to talk to in the isle across from you. Whilst portable digital devices are entertaining, they cannot compare to Dave the Driver or Bill the Busman's stories. Always wearing a smile, shorts, walk socks, sweat marks and a middle age spread; bus drivers work those crackly microphones better than a British bogan works on their tan. 

 

Step 5.

Arrival and disembarking.

If you have followed steps 1-4, it's time to step off the bus. Ensure you have assembled your things to avoid awkward aisle blockages and have your excuse ready for why you don't want to give the crazy person your Facebook name. As you are released from your multi-seated, multi-wheeled moving prison, take in the sights and sounds as hopefully you have actually travelled somewhere different to where you boarded. And remember-

If you've got to go far; take your car. If it's just a small hike; take your bike.

If you don't want to get stuck; take a truck.

If you are a cool man; take your van.

If you enjoy pain; you'll take the train.

If you live life to the maxi; you'll just take a taxi.

If smart you are not; you'll try take a yacht. 

And if you take the bus; it will be wonderous.

Jj