I went to my friend's after work drinks and met some of her colleagues. Whenever I meet new people, it's a juggling act deciding what to say when they ask me what I do for a living.....
I usually reel off with; "I'm a freelance entertainer who teaches dancing and fitness, and also write a blog and am going into T.V presenting."
There is a part of me that gets nervous telling them that I'm a dancer/fitness instructor, because I worry that they would look at my body (which isn't like Michelle Bridges or one of Beyonce's dancers') look sideways and wonder if that REALLY is what I do for a living......See, even for someone who gets paid to work out, I've had to make a conscious effort to learn to accept the way I look. If all the pressures from society and the media to conform to it's photoshopped ideals of "beauty" weren't enough, I also work in an aesthetic industry, where sending in your picture and measurements is just as important as sending your resume.
After years of constant battling with the negative self-talk and harmful actions, I have made a conscious effort to replace the mean-tal slaps with pats on the back and learn to live with and love who I am. I'm still on this journey- as I write this I'm freaking out about actually publishing it as I still can go from "Yes, I will wear that tight top to the supermarket" to "If anyone needs me, I'll be under my duvet in a onesie" several times a day. So what happened when I met and conversed with one woman in particular at these drinks really got under my skin, and not by tickling my fancy.
Let's call her Renee.
Renee was in a position above my friend at work, and they got on really well. After we were introduced,my friend said to Renee "You should tell Joana about the bootcamps you have been doing, 'coz she teaches fitness"
I said "Oh cool, how do you find it?"
She said "Yeah, I do bootcamps because I'm really fat, and it hopefully will stop me from being really fat."
Renee is about a size 16-18...... I don't know if it was the Chardonnay that was talking but I was really unsure what to say to this. I wasn't going to tell her that she wasn't fat; because, yes the "F" word is a nasty label, yes she is carrying extra weight. My friend told me Renee has actually already lost 32 kilograms which is absolutely incredible, and when I congratulated her on that, she said
"Yeah but I don't get it, coz I don't eat bad, but I'm still fat and gross so maybe I'm just meant to be."
Now, being someone who works in an industry that revolves around being in shape or getting people in shape, I found it hard to keep my "social out for drinks" hat on, and not put on my instructor hat and take her into the corner for a wall sit and quiet word over a side plank. I tried mentioning with as much flippance as where I got my coat from that she needn't put such labels on herself as it's an inefficient way to live. I mean, if you have two minutes, are you going to think about how "gross" you are or how much you enjoy being out with your friends. I told her that I have similar thoughts and hangups, my friend agreed, and we tried to reiterate that talking like that and bringing that negative energy in is no good!
We need to learn that we are are people- not mistakes or problems to be solved. But we will never get to grasp this revelation if we are caged up in labels of shame and it won't go into our heads if we are still banging them against the wall.
But what I said might as well have been in French......Yes, a noisy bar isn't really the place to be passing on words of wisdom, because Renee and my friend went on to talk about another colleague who apparently is "living large" due to the masses of bacon and egg muffins she consumes on a work day. That's just plain unhealthy, physically and emotionally- yet talking about, (let's call her) Maureen's lifestyle really added more fuel to the fire, which went all up in flames when Renee mentioned she didn't feel unsafe taking the train at night because "no one rapes fat girls."
That was it. I would have seemed like the biggest know it all when I told her that if you think about it, a "fat girl" was probably more likely to be raped if they were playing the victim and had low self esteem, and politely asked her to refrain from making excuses for herself and talking like that as it was making my friend and I uncomfortable.
If Elizabeth Gilbert were there, she would have said:
“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It's because he doesn't care! He's in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery."
And if my good friend Oprah were there she would have said:
“Step Away from the Mean Girls……and say bye-bye to feeling bad about your looks. Are you ready to stop colluding with a culture that makes so many of us feel physically inadequate? Say goodbye to your inner critic, and take this pledge to be kinder to yourself and others. This is a ..call to be gentle, to be forgiving, to be generous with yourself. The next time you look into the mirror, try to let go of the story line that says you're too fat or too sallow, too ashy or too old, your eyes are too small or your nose too big; just look into the mirror and see your face. When the criticism drops away, what you will see then is just you, without judgment, and that is the first step toward transforming your experience of the world.”
All I say is: Choose self-love over self-judgement
Choose Life.
Jj
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