Let them learn

I was fortunate enough to share some wonderful lady banter on Friday night. I remember getting all warm and fuzzy and thinking "gee, I am going to blog about this." Well, thanks to the various carbonated beverages consumed, I can't actually remember exactly "this" was, hence why so far last week's blog has been as non-existent as my tan. Apologies, and since then I have now learned that passionfruit is awesome especially when laced with vodka and whatever else that complementary jug contained........

So on the subject of learning things, in school you learn the lesson then are given a test. In life, you are given a test and learn a lesson. When we were at school, although it seemed like we were being a good friend giving our buddy answers to the test, we knew that this wasn't right because they need to learn for themselves. As adult women (and sometimes men, but I'm pretty sure they are more secret about it or somehow communicate in manly grunts we can't understand) we love to talk about and try solve other people's problems, especially those belonging to our friends.

Whether we know they could be getting themselves into a companionship catastrophe, a family fiasco, or lifestyle loo-dumping, we often ummm and ahhh and say "you should...." instead of "you could...." or even say something some of us really struggle to say-

Nothing.

See, to offer someone unsolicited advice is the presume they doesn't know what to do or can't do it on their own. It can be hard when you have an outside approach to something involving someone on your inside circle. But just like how reaching over your friend's desk and adding an answer or giving sneaky hand signals under the desk was stopping them from learning and growing, in grown-up-school of life, trying to give a friend the answers or show them the 'right' way isn't going to help them become an A+ adult.

When I was struggling with a spelling word and asked my parents, I used to get cross when they said "sound it out" instead of just spelling it for me. See, they were helping me find the answer out on my own, and be there with the praise or gentle correction if I got it right. 

Since most of you reading this are learning lessons at the grown-up-school of life, I want you to know I'm not suggesting that when your friend comes to you wondering if she should quit her job that you say:

"Sound it out- UN-EM-PLOY-ED"

Rather I am suggesting help them come to the answer themselves-

"Picture your life in 6 months if you quit, vs picture it in 6 months if you stay"

And then be there with the support regardless of the outcome as learning by experience is the best way possible. (I am going to be careful what passionfruit punches pass my lips from now on)

I don't really know how to end this since the crux of this blog has been about keeping advice to yourself.... so I'm going to aim to treat every test as a lesson, and no giving the answers to anyone else.

If we all work hard, we can celebrate out A+'s together.

With passionfruit cupcakes.....

Jj

Down to the letter.

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.  ~Phyllis Theroux

I stumbled across a letter my mother wrote me last year, it fell out of one of my books, and I took it to bed with me, so that for the moment that I was reading it, it felt like she was there with me again, and the words she had thought so carefully to write were just as meaningful as they were the first time I read them. 

I also printed some of my digital photographs into actual ones, and relived memories flicking through them in my hands rather than on a screen.

In our times where a lot of us communicate quickly with picture messages, emails and just general "updates" to your "followers" or even just emoji, the ability to craft a letter and articulate how we feel is diminishing.

It's like because they put "selfie" and "twerk" in the dictionary, they had to take out "charm" and "dignity" to make room. And don't even get me started on grammar.

When I was at primary school in ye olde 90's we used to have to write letters for all sorts of things, most of them were to the Headmaster if you got in trouble or to a classmate if you sprayed fly-spray in their desk.* Whether we were apologising for bunking P.E, or accepting birthday parties; care was taken in the whole process, everything was thought out and formulaic.

*may or may not have been something I did when  I was nine.

The romance of being able to cherish how we share our lives with people in them is not the same. Photographs used to be something people dressed up for, had a good background, went to the chemist to get developed once they finished the film, and kept in special albums and showed to their guests when they invited them over.
Like this one:

And let's just compare this to what you see today....

Right......
See we lost a lot when we stopped writing letters or having to pay for each picture we took, because you can't reread a phone call.

For the first time, I received a genuine love letter, in proper handwriting on proper writing paper (that may or may not have been scented but I didn't want to stand outside my letterbox sniffing the mail for too long because my street has enough crazies on it as it is.) 

*cue soppy music*
With shaking hands I lifted the seal of emotion, and the words floated off the page and into my heart.
*cue swoon*
Yes, actions can speak louder than words. But beautiful words, ones that took time to compose especially for you in a letter, can speak to you as many times as you wish.


Good old Lord Byron said 

Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company.  

So maybe you are alone whilst reading this, and maybe there is a pen nearby. If 10% of you who are reading this pick up the pen and write and send a letter to someone (even yourself in 6months time)

Then you will make 100% of someone's day.

Signed, sealed, delivered.

Jj

Choose Life

I went to my friend's after work drinks and met some of her colleagues. Whenever I meet new people, it's a juggling act deciding what to say when they ask me what I do for a living.....

I usually reel off with; "I'm a freelance entertainer who teaches dancing and fitness, and also write a blog and am going into T.V presenting."

There is a part of me that gets nervous telling them that I'm a dancer/fitness instructor, because I worry that they would look at my body (which isn't like Michelle Bridges or one of Beyonce's dancers') look sideways and wonder if that REALLY is what I do for a living......See, even for someone who gets paid to work out, I've had to make a conscious effort to learn to accept the way I look. If all the pressures from society and the media to conform to it's photoshopped ideals of "beauty" weren't enough, I also work in an aesthetic industry, where sending in your picture and measurements is just as important as sending your resume.

After years of constant battling with the negative self-talk and harmful actions, I have made a conscious effort to replace the mean-tal slaps with pats on the back and learn to live with and love who I am. I'm still on this journey- as I write this I'm freaking out about actually publishing it as I still can go from "Yes, I will wear that tight top to the supermarket" to "If anyone needs me, I'll be under my duvet in a onesie" several times a day. So what happened when I met and conversed with one woman in particular at these drinks really got under my skin, and not by tickling my fancy.

Let's call her Renee.

Renee was in a position above my friend at work, and they got on really well. After we were introduced,my friend said to Renee "You should tell Joana about the bootcamps you have been doing, 'coz she teaches fitness"

I said "Oh cool, how do you find it?"

She said "Yeah, I do bootcamps because I'm really fat, and it hopefully will stop me from being really fat."

Renee is about a size 16-18...... I don't know if it was the Chardonnay that was talking but I was really unsure what to say to this. I wasn't going to tell her that she wasn't fat; because, yes the "F" word is a nasty label, yes she is carrying extra weight. My friend told me Renee has actually already lost 32 kilograms which is absolutely incredible, and when I congratulated her on that, she said

"Yeah but I don't get it, coz I don't eat bad, but I'm still fat and gross so maybe I'm just meant to be."

Now, being someone who works in an industry that revolves around being in shape or getting people in shape, I found it hard to keep my "social out for drinks" hat on, and not put on my instructor hat and take her into the corner for a wall sit and quiet word over a side plank. I tried mentioning with as much flippance as where I got my coat from that she needn't put such labels on herself as it's an inefficient way to live. I mean, if you have two minutes, are you going to think about how "gross" you are or how much you enjoy being out with your friends. I told her that I have similar thoughts and hangups, my friend agreed, and we tried to reiterate that talking like that and bringing that negative energy in is no good! 

We need to learn that we are are people- not mistakes or problems to be solved. But we will never get to grasp this revelation if we are caged up in labels of shame and it won't go into our heads if we are still banging them against the wall. 

But what I said might as well have been in French......Yes, a noisy bar isn't really the place to be passing on words of wisdom, because Renee and my friend went on to talk about another colleague who apparently is "living large" due to the masses of bacon and egg muffins she consumes on a work day. That's just plain unhealthy, physically and emotionally- yet talking about, (let's call her) Maureen's lifestyle really added more fuel to the fire, which went all up in flames when Renee mentioned she didn't feel unsafe taking the train at night because "no one rapes fat girls."

That was it. I would have seemed like the biggest know it all when I told her that if you  think about it, a "fat girl" was probably more likely to be raped if they were playing the  victim and had low self esteem, and politely asked her to refrain from making excuses for herself and talking like that as it was making my friend and I uncomfortable.

If Elizabeth Gilbert were there, she would have said:

“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It's because he doesn't care! He's in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery."












And if my good friend Oprah were there she would have said:

“Step Away from the Mean Girls……and say bye-bye to feeling bad about your looks. Are you ready to stop colluding with a culture that makes so many of us feel physically inadequate? Say goodbye to your inner critic, and take this pledge to be kinder to yourself and others. This is a ..call to be gentle, to be forgiving, to be generous with yourself. The next time you look into the mirror, try to let go of the story line that says you're too fat or too sallow, too ashy or too old, your eyes are too small or your nose too big; just look into the mirror and see your face. When the criticism drops away, what you will see then is just you, without judgment, and that is the first step toward transforming your experience of the world.” 

All I say is: Choose self-love over self-judgement

Choose Life.

Jj