Words and wallowing.

“Sometimes the simplest and best use of our will is to drop it all and just walk out from under everything that is covering us, even if only for an hour or so—just walk out from under the webs we've spun, the tasks we've assumed, the problems we have to solve. They'll be there when we get back, and maybe, maybe some of them will fall apart without our worry to hold them up.” 

― Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have

This wonderful passage was read to me during savasana at Gertrude Yoga Studio last week. It, combined with the gentle practice, PMS and the fact that the night before as I lay in a crumpled heap I realised my mojo wasn't ENTIRELY back bought tears to my eyes.  I was going to write about that midweek meltdown but it's a little raw. 
Here I was, proclaiming to the internet that this very hungry caterpillar has formed into a butterfly, when in fact, only one wing had escaped, the rest was in the cocoon and there were still a bunch of chocolate coated teddy biscuits the very hungry caterpillar had to eat. 

In India during my yoga teacher training, I cried in savasana several times. It is a really releasing and vulnerable posture where you have to surrender, fully show up and be confronted with your tension - and that is hard. As the tears rolled down my cheeks on Thursday morning, I was really reluctant to just let myself wallow. I am one who holds energy and productivity as a badge of honour, till the day I drop, and although "self care" is on my radar (I think it is very important, especially as a freelancer) my version of it involves saunas and catch ups with friends, so I still made myself feel guilty about wanting to curl up in a ball on what was, as I later found out, Melbourne's coldest day in years!

I returned home and dissolved again to tears and tissues. After talking it out with my ever understanding boyfriend (who earlier I tried blaming but realised that was just fear talking) he advised me to just enjoy the afternoon and do something nice for myself. 

Still feeling guilty but also with a lot of determination "I MUST relax!" , I got into bed in the middle of the afternoon and watched a movie whilst drinking chilli hot chocolate. 

10 minutes in, I stopped. No one had called me yelling down the phone "BUSTED! You're a failure! Wallowing!! HA. Everything you have done until now where you have been really productive and energetic is a lie!"

Nope, that didn't happen. I kept watching the film.

30 minutes in, my flat mate returned home..... he didn't knock on my door yelling "Joana, the house is strangely quiet. You better be writing something hilarious or building an online store or something creative otherwise I can't live with someone who is such a lazy slob."

Hm, that didn't happen either.

90minutes in, my alarm went off and I went to boxing.

The people there didn't tell me my jabs were soft because I was wallowing for a while. They didn't criticise my left hook-roll-pivot-right hand- roll- righthand or my footwork because I spent my afternoon off not up-skilling. 

They didn't even tell me I had chill hot chocolate on the side of my mouth.

"Sometimes the fear of the storm is greater than the storm itself"

I heard that on my podcast this morning that Mark Nepo (the writer above) was talking about fear.... in my case, my fear of letting go, walking out on the afternoon and not giving a hoot if I got anything more done that day was holding me back from doing what I needed. The fear that things might crumble without my worry to hold them up. 

The fear of what other people would think if they found out.

And here I am, fully leaning into that fear by telling you all.

My mum always told me "feel the fear and do it anyway."

So since then I have wallowed well.....

Jj