Smiles are free

As I rode my bike (Natalie Portman: Black Swan) to the traffic lights today a construction worker pushed the crossing button so I didn't have to dismount and do it. I smiled and thanked him and after about 10 sec awkward silence (not crazy awkward like when you walk in on your boss in the toilet, but more the semi awkward like when you get told you have food on your chin)

We struck up a conversation about riding, the weather etc. 

The highlight was when another construction worker who was definitely out of the "Village People" (handlebar moustache and all) drove his forklift past singing to me "Don't you step on my blue suede shoes."

 I was wearing blue suede shoes so it was quite appropriate, though would have been more appropriate if he banged out "In the NAVY" because the shoes were more of a Navy blue and being that he was one if the Village People it would have topped watching N'Sync reuniting at the VMA's http://youtu.be/WcFAqJG0gXo

as the highlight of my week. 

Leather-the-less it definitely made me smile as I rode away and smiled at some more men in hi-vis.

Smiles, you see, are free

They are contagious 

They are outrageous 

They go from you to me

Smiles, are free, you see

They take two seconds

And the anger lessens

They come on easily

Smiles, you see, for me

Wake up with one 

A day that's fun

They make us happy

I have so many things in my memory bank I can withdraw to make me smile. Hopefully you do too, or everyone does. The Village People construction worker did, and he passed it on to me. 

Remember things that happen or things people do don't actually control how you feel. 

"Whilst most people get niggly in a que for the loo, 

just smile and be glad that you don't need to......"

Jj

Matching to make magic

Today I managed to make my lipstick match my hat and my jumper and I really felt like I had life together. What’s more I saw my boss who I had not seen for weeks and managed to stay super sassy. For an Indecicivus-insecureus  (refer to my post “One Man’s Trash and the Classification of Fash” to get the definition of this) I felt like this was quite an achievement and therefore gave myself a mental celebration similar to the one on this ad:

When it comes to matching colours and themes in anything, be it décor, fashion, floral arrangements or table setting, there is a fine line between looking Kate Middleton classy and Stifler’s Mom shocking. There are many fashion bloggers and people with all sots of tumblrs and pintrest who have various rules of thumb; http://www.collegefashion.net/fashion-tips/a-foolproof-guide-to-matching-colors-in-your-outfits/ have a colour wheel.

 I’m pretty sure the girl I saw in the white puffa jacket and white velour track pants with black boots probably didn’t have one of these handy before getting on my train this morning, but really I am not one to comment as I have been photographed in a raincoat that matches my sneakers, and not in the “I have life together because everything matches magically and where is my boss because I have the sassiest sentiments right at the tip of my tongue with just the right amount of saliva to scintillate” kind of way.

We all know what they all say about judging books by their covers, thinking about what is on the inside and what not…..well, maybe some of the poor creatures they get on the T.V show “Snog, Marry, Avoid”…. see below....have slightly mis-interpreted this memo and believe that to match orange skin with straw hair will make the same magic that drinking orange juice through a straw does for my mouth. I'm not sure when aioli started being the perfect accompaniment for hot chips, but I hope it was not the same time leopard print leotards apparently started matching zebra print stockings, coz these ladies on are into it like it's going out of fashion, and I wish for there to be enough aoli and hot chips for everyone for evermore.

The middle one is the host...

Anyways, if you do have one of those days where your matching of shoelaces and earrings is about as magical as Neville Longbottom in his first Levitation class and doesn’t pan out as well as you hoped, this show is certainly one to remind you that there is probably going to be someone out there fractionally more crazy and mis-matched than you. What's more, this trashy British show really does try strip the orangoutangs of their fakery to reveal that the real them is just as beautiful and interesting. 

And with that I finish with one of my favs….

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself…after all, you might miss the joke of the century.”

Jj

Smart Phone Application Users Nowdays (S.P.A.U.N)

"Addiction and dependency on the most sophisticated of communication systems (computers, tablets, and smart phone) decreases academic performance, face to face communication, social relations, causes psychological problems, and sometimes results in death. "

Well actually, my 'rockstar post Euro-trip- iPhone' (cracked front screen/ camera, cracked back, non-functional back camera, camera light always on, doesn't charge properly) is now about as useful as bacon would be for a blanket: incapable of working enough to the point that I could be so addicted to it I can die, but anyways I guess I should say thank-you to Wikipedia's info on Smart Phone addictions for telling me that I could potentially die because I am a big fan of snapchat. (And note that I give Wikipedia credit for the above quote, since there is no need for ANOTHER plagiarizer on the internet...)
Also thank-you Wikipedia for telling me that my constant need to search things on google maps has decreased my academic performance, I am really glad that my fascination with looking at other people's breakfasts on Instagram have given me a psycological problem, and my social relations are going to be ruined because of my face-stalking whilst riding my bicycle.
I get it. And I do know it is marginally true, because of the lengths I have gone to to preserve battery, get wifi access, or take a fantastic selfie.

With the evolution of technology has come the evolution of vocabulary. 
Eg hw we abbrev. evs coz it's totes faster to just say half words drng a conversat.
Things like G2G, CBF, ROTHL and LOL are everywhere, and, love em or hate em, these abbrevs', acronyms and compound words (like 'sexting' 'hanger' and 'smirting') are prevalent in our language.

However,  I classified the categories of Fash' in a previous blog and here is a brief classification of S.P.A.U.N (Smart Phone Application Users Nowdays)
Just to add a few more to the new vocabulary.........

Disgrace-book: A person whose status updates are often a commentary on their bowel movements, alcohol addiction and bigoted opinions. Enjoys sharing rude pics and profile really should not be seen by an employer, family member or anyone under the age of 15.

#Hashtag-hussy: Someone who uses every #hashtag under the #sun in order to get more #likes and #followers even when the #likeforalikethuglyf hashtags don't even make sense.

Goog-ball: a goofball who believes that by searching everything on Google they will have common sense.

Twat/ Twooing: Always tweeting where they are at/ what they are doing

Blue-Tube : Obsessed with showing you videos of randoms on YouTube they think are funny or smart and really they just ruin social situations because you spend time waiting for the blue circle to go round whilst it buffers.

What's-sap : Normally always on What'sapp to friends in foreign countries and time-zones, sending photos of cute things and other sappy messages

Vainstagram: Selfie slag. Often also a #hashtag hussy and will happily have semi-naked selfies.

Snap-slap : Sender of snapchats just too short to see or understand.

I believe I could probably do another week the classifications of S.P.A.U.N 
Please give me some suggestions!

https://twitter.com/joanasimmo

A poem.

So I had some time waiting in line at the Edinburgh Castle (which is amazing-www.edinburghcastle.gov.uk)

And so I wrote this poem about time, also because last

week's blog actually came out this week so yeah timings a bit strange..

Oh man oh man oh mighty man

You are so swift and sneaky

Mr Time is your name, you were here when we began

Back when the dinosaurs were creepy

Oh shit! 

We say, is it August already?

I'm still poor and I have no six-pack

Ah Mr Time, ya doodle, you go by so slippery

And of course we can't turn you back.

Oh man oh man oh mighty man

Days turn into weeks weekly

And those wasted minutes on Instagram 

Add up, and, WTF? 

It's January.

 Awkward!

Hashtag, my last blog was late

And this is the next one here now

Ah Mr Time, ya bludger, I was delayed now you berate

And in this poem I'm trying to compensate somehow.

But the rhythm didn't work, what's the time signature? 

I don't know, Mr Time, so how DO you measure

The moments and the minutes and the milliseconds and months

When the ticking of the clock becomes the sound of a thump 

Coz

Boom! 

Oh bugger 

My alarm bumped my head

It's too late for a blog

So this poem should do instead. 

Jj

Scared shameless

I get frights easily. Not just "ooh scary movie something's under the bed" frights, more "ooh comedy movie the kettle just made a noise" scary.

Slamming doors, cats under cars, being woken up, and often, my mobile phone ringing send me gasping and staggering around like a vampire in daylight.

My insides get that feeling you get in the 2 seconds between tripping up and finding your feet again, where everything's in slow motion, you think you are going to die or smash your teeth on the pavement so start running through the scenarios of how the paramedics will revive you or cosmetically enhance you; before your adrenalin kicks in and you find your feet, only to leave you with that "gee that was a close one" look on your face, and feel like a ninja for the next 10 mins.

Last night when out with friends we were standing in a group and I was looking at something else. I gasped worse than a Nana in a nightclub coz the tallest guy was standing next to me when I turned around. See when this happened, it was a double whammy of embarrassment because I get the fright, have a small seizure, then laughed at my reaction: I "lol'd" the living daylights back into me.

(My laugh is a whole different blog altogether)

Anyways, the "Edinburgh by night haunted tour" sounded like a hoot, I found t'was frightfully fantastic and as well as educational it was highly entertaining. 

For everyone apart from me. 

The theatrical tour guide found my Achilles heel (everything in the dark) and was not scarce with the scary voices.  Scottish accents are scary enough but she had great timing- was an absolute scream.

The tour finished just before midnight, and to my defright I got to walk home alone. In the dark. Past the castle, a cliff and a churchyard. 

I tried to think of happy things like puppies, marshmallows and lol cats, but scenes from a horror movie kept playing on repeat in my mind, like the crazy frog ring tone. 

 

And then I asked myself- "am I going to be a scardy cat forever?"  I don't think I actually have lots of fear, just poor reactions.

I mean, I am fine with spiders, slugs, some scary films and spew.

Just anything sudden startles me to the point of stupidity, especially when it's a tap on the shoulder from a cute guy trying to get past me at a bar. 

I guess "shit, you scared me" beats "you come here often?" In terms of an icebreaker. Depending on the magnitude of the fright it could be a nose breaker.

 I fear the day.

Jk